Does Depression Really Hurt?

Um… yes.

But how can it hurt? I mean, isn’t it all in your head?

Sure.

But the mind is pretty powerful. And depression is really good at destroying souls and eating joy.

I’ve walked alongside multiple friends who struggle with depression. It has always been my goal to love them and point them to Christ in the midst of their doubts. It wasn’t anything new to me, but I never thought it was something I would struggle with too.  But then my sad thoughts got darker and one day I decided how I was going to kill myself, and that’s when I knew something was seriously
wrong.

I don’t know when it started.  When school got really stressful… when I was diagnosed with untreatable chronic pain…. when I had to walk through uncomfortable experiences…

It doesn’t really matter when, though. What matters is how. How it can so easily and so perfectly eat up all my joy.  And all it has to do is plant a doubt in my head, a little nagging idea that goes like this:

- What is the point of trying when nothing ever works out?
- My body is broken now? Ha! Just wait till time starts to decay it more!
- I’ve done too much bad for Jesus to love me anymore.
- Why bother fighting the good fight when sin just wins anyway?
- God doesn’t care, He’s tired of my sin.
- I am alone.
- One day, God is going to give up on me.
- I’m a terrible person.
- If I were to disappear, would anyone really care?

So many powerful lies.  And they are really good at finding my weak points and forcing all my attention there. Yes, it is self-pity. Yes, it is pride. Yes, it is sin. But it hurts like nothing else.

When in the midst of depression, I don’t care about much at all. I don’t care what people think of me, I don’t care about doing my work, I don’t care what happens to me.  I might as well die.  I do only what I absolutely have to do and nothing else. I cancel every plan that isn’t necessary, I withdraw from the company of friends and from the life giving fellowship they give. I refuse to find joy in what little interactions I do have.  I hide away in my room and cry and let all those lies just burrow in deeper. They get cozy in my head and I actually start to think that depression is my friend.  It creates this lens of cloud that I have to look through and it makes me wonder if there was ever a time that I could have been happy since any kind of feeling seems impossible.

This is where I was when I decided how to kill myself. I was ready for all this to be over. I wanted an end.

But I had forgotten one very important detail, one very life giving hope filling detail: Jesus already freed me from the bonds of sin.

But the worst part is that depression makes it really difficult to see God and His perfect love as it actually is.  He seems like a fairy tale god, loving and powerful, but either not powerful enough to save me or not loving enough to pay me any attention.  I needed a wake up call.

And Jesus gave me one.

Call it depression, call it flesh, call it Satan, but none of it has any right to hold on to me like that. I belong to Jesus and Him alone.

He died on the cross in excruciating agony (physical and emotional) so that I could be loved. So that I would never be alone. So that I would always be forgiven. So that I would always have a friend and a brother and a father. So that there would be hope for a future, both in this life and the next. So that the good fight could be won. So that I could find happiness and fulfillment and joy.  So that I would never ever be lost again.

Depression isn’t just an emotional emptiness, it is the exact opposite of the way God wants me to be.
His death and resurrection didn’t just purchase my salvation, it gave me an actual reason to be alive.  I have a whole lifetime of earth living to watch Him work, to see His wonders, to be part of His plan, to be filled with His joy and His hope and His mercy!!!!

See, the problem is, I start turning my eyes inward, start hoping in me, try to find the energy to live inside of myself.  And suddenly I am faced with the hard reality that I am hopeless and broken and dying. Well, duh!! I’m dust! No wonder I get depressed. But God wants me to stop pridefully thinking about myself. I can’t fix myself. I can’t give myself hope.  But I don’t have to, and I’m not supposed to.  That’s God’s job.

And God is really good at His job.

For my friends struggling with depression, I’m still struggling right there along with you. But know this, you aren’t going to find peace by letting the depression keep a hold on you, and you aren’t going to find hope by trying to make it up somehow.  The only one who can give you what you need is Jesus. It’s okay to be broken and empty, let Him fill you. Let Him near.

So yes, depression hurts. But there is a Savior who can heal all that pain and give you what you can never get yourself.

So stop striving and let Him hold you.